


We're Still Alive

by Ravager_Zero



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Dark, Disturbing Themes, F/F, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 07:25:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8195839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravager_Zero/pseuds/Ravager_Zero
Summary: One night Elsa is pushed too far and does something drastic. Disturbing content throughout.





	

Elsa flicked her braid over her shoulder, looking up at her handiwork. It would do, certainly. A little light, but still suitable for her purposes. She looked down, blinking back tears. So much. They'd done so much. She wasn't even sure what the final straw had been. She only had one friend in the entire world. It was saying a lot, really, about modern society. Or maybe it was saying more about her. Quiet, reclusive, shy. Meek. Pathetic. Useless. None of the words were wrong. The other girls at college. The boys were no better—and they were only interested in getting in her pants anyway. Disgusting. She didn't bother wiping away the tears. Soon enough it wouldn't matter at all. None of it would matter.

But she couldn't just leave it at that. She sat at her desk, an old fashioned fountain pen in shaky hands. Writing with her left hand—just like she did for anything truly important. Immaculate penmanship. Perfect English. More things she was hated for. Things some people were actually jealous of. They had no idea of the struggles she'd had when starting school. The difficulty in holding a pen. The absolute—and stupid—insistence she write with her right hand. The ridicule she'd suffered because of that.

An entire page of immaculate hand-written script. She glanced up again. This would be easier. The only person hurt this time would be her. Everyone could forget her then—like they should have from the start. She reached out for her phone, intending to turn it off. It wasn't like she'd be needing it anymore. She looked at the last message on the screen. The last picture. Maybe _that_ had been the last straw. Anna could be happy now. _She'll be happier if she forgets me altogether_.

But that didn't stop Elsa from sending a short text. She'd done it before she realised what she was doing. The content wasn't important. Even the message wasn't. But the phone was. For music. She always listened to music at night, and she didn't want interruptions. It was better that way. She took a deep breath, scrolling through her favourite playlist. Her favourite song. One Anna had shown her, in fact. It seemed fitting, in fact. She let the song play through, then skipped back to the start. There was at least one thing she could enjoy.

She looked up, at the old cords she'd hung from the landing. One advantage of having some kind of family fortune. But it wasn't enough. The words of the song were right.

   My hands are searching for you

She placed the chair beneath the noose, standing squarely on the cushion. With great care she adjusted the noose to the perfect fit around her neck. It didn't matter which way it happened. At least the pain would end. Wondering about what came after was pointless. She whispered the lyrics of the song as she worked, tears staining her cheeks.

   My arms are outstretched towards you

She stepped up and knocked the chair away and as she fell she already knew it wouldn't be the quick end she'd hoped for. She couldn't even do _that_ right. But at least she couldn't breathe—so something worked in her plans. She felt it as her hands twitched, her fingers slowly going numb.

   I feel you on my fingertips

The song was still playing. Her body struggled to draw breath as she tried just to sing in her mind. While she still had a mind.

   My tongue dances behind my lips for you

But the need to breathe was too much. Air. Her body needed air. It was fighting desperately against the wishes of her mind. Her lungs started to burn. She needed air. Her vision was edging with red and grey. But there was nothing she could do. Nothing her body could do, despite its struggles. The song was a distant rumble, something deep underwater.

   This fire runs in through my being  
   Burning I'm not used to seeing you

Still she wasn't dead. Dying should not have taken so long. She could barely form the thought, and suddenly couldn't process what that meant. But her mind knew the words. The lies.

   I'm still alive, I'm still alive

A noise, faint, distant. Unimportant. Death's embrace was finally reaching out for her.

   I can feel you all around me

The last of the air in her lungs had burned to ash.

   Thickening the air I'm breathing

Nothing was left for her to care. Death reached out and pulled her under.

   Holding on to all I'm feeling

And the greatest lie she'd ever convinced herself to believe.

   Savouring this heart that's healing

She was still falling, but she figured the trip down might not be quick. If that place even existed. Or maybe she was just some misguided ghost.

   My hands float up above me

Other ghosts had gathered round. She could hear them.

   And you whisper you love me

She tried to tell them it was okay. That this was what she'd wanted. Nobody needed to remember her.

   And I begin to fade

And the ghosts carried her up, away. To a place beyond the mortal world.

   Into our secret place

But there was something strange about this afterlife. A calming sound. A song. One she had known in life. One to which she knew all the words. So maybe being dead wasn't so terrible after all. She could just sit with her music forever, and everyone in the world could just forget her and her mistakes. The music was growing more distant. She moved slowly with the gentle rhythms.

   The music makes me sway

A choir of ghosts continued the bridge, and in death she began to smile. At least they knew good music.

   The angels singing say we are alone with you

Then the ghosts went away, taking the music with them. They dived and swam on ethereal currents, stealing notes and verses as they left. She had no idea where they had gone.

   I am alone and they are too with you

* * *

Anna sat awkwardly next to Elsa in the ambulance. One hand clutched Elsa's so tight both their knuckles were white. The other held Elsa's phone, with that damn _song_. She wished she'd never played it for her. That this song could mean _anything_ else for them. But no, it meant too much—and that was why the EMT's let her keep it playing. Just one slender thread to anchor Elsa back to this world. As it reached the chorus Anna sang, eyes red with tears, voice hoarse with terror.

"I'm still alive." Because she had to be for Elsa.

"I'm still alive." Because there was no one else.

"We're still alive." Because if she said it enough, it would _true_. There was no other option.

But the tears made it hard to breathe. Terror constricted her throat. There was nothing she could do. And yet she thought she'd done so much. The EMT's were doing more. She knew it was their training that would save Elsa—but she still wanted it to be because she could somehow sense that there was at least one person in the world that still loved her. That would always love her.

   And I can feel you all around me  
   Thickening the air I'm breathing  
   Holding on to what I'm feeling  
   Savouring this heart that's healing

She shuffled closer to Elsa, not letting her hand go. Not letting the song stop. Tears fell against Elsa's cheek.

   So I cry

And Anna prayed. To anyone that might be listening. She knew it needed a miracle.

   Holy

The lights at the hospital were so damned _bright_. And wiggly. _Oh, the tears_.

   The light is white

Another prayer; for the EMT's this time.

   Holy

Anna ran alongside the gurney as Elsa was rushed through the hospital. Only then, in a moment of despair as an orderly stopped her at the door to the OR, did she see how _peaceful_ Elsa looked. Peaceful and _wrong_.

   And I see you

She looked in through the windows even as the orderly dragged her away. Everything else was a blur. All she could see was Elsa. Only Elsa. And in all of that she was still holding Elsa's phone. It was still playing that song. The line that meant everything to them.

   Only You

She sang with the chorus, sinking back against the wall.

"And I'm alive." It was all she had now.

"I'm still alive." Even if everything went wrong, she was still alive.

"We're still alive." She wanted so badly for the words to make it true.

* * *

Anna lay sideways on the bed, holding her phone up for Elsa to listen to the song. She could see the smile on the blonde's lips. She could tell Elsa liked it despite herself. It was a good song. Relevant. Elsa had to know. Anna tossed the phone aside, rolling next to Elsa.

   And I can feel you all around me  
   Thickening the air I'm breathing  
   Holding on to all I'm feeling  
   Savouring this heart that's healing

Warm breath tickled her lips, and flyaway hair tangled in a platinum braid. Her eyes fluttered half closed, and her breath slowed, waiting, hoping. And she felt something shift slightly against the covers. Breath so close to hers she could taste it. Soft lips pressing gloriously against her own. And that _song_. She had timed it perfectly. Her hand sought Elsa's—the one she wasn't lying on.

   Take my hand  
   I give it to you

The squeeze that Elsa gave her as their hands twined told her a thousand tiny things.

   Now you own me  
   All I am  
   You said you would never leave me

It was all because she'd come back. Because Elsa had had the courage to ask her out. Just once.

   I believe you  
   I believe

* * *

Anna curled up against the wall, breath coming in ragged gasps, tears staining the old shirt she was wearing. She didn't even care that it was her favourite pyjamas getting dirty on the hospital floor. She hugged her knees to her chest and screwed her eyes shut. How could this have happened? How could she have missed the signs? They were friends. Friends looked out for each other. They were more than friends. The song hadn't stopped.

   I can feel you all around me  
   Thickening the air I'm breathing  
   Holding on to what I'm feeling  
   Savouring this heart that's healed

She didn't even know anymore what she wanted it to mean. She just wanted Elsa. Only Elsa. The phone dropped from limp fingers when she chanced a look at the last message. The one _before_ the text Elsa had sent her. The one she'd sent…

"No…" disbelief filled her voice. _It couldn't be_.

If Elsa died now, she could never forgive herself. If Elsa lived… Anna screamed, slamming her head back against the wall. The pain wasn't enough to make her forget. Nothing would. And no news from the doctors. She shivered. The world suddenly seemed less…

All she could do now was sit, and hope. She wouldn't leave. Not until she knew.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the song I wrote this to/for: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M2kDanRWCg


End file.
